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Death of the Metrosexual
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Metrosexual: me-(.)tro–seksh–(e-)wel/n: 1: twenty-first century male trendsetter. 2: straight, urban man with heightened aesthetic sense. 3: man who spends time and money on appearance and shopping. 4: man willing to embrace his feminine side. (Michael Flocker 2003) Retrosexual re-(.)tro-seksh-(e-)wel/n: 1: opposite of a metrosexual. 2: man who embraces his natural predilection for all things manly. 3: man who is not hypermasculin, homophobic or misogynist. You might be a metrosexual if:
· Your monthly expenditures for cosmetics exceed that of your girlfriends · You have meticulously manicured eyebrows · You can’t walk past a Club Monaco without buying something · You think an X-Box is something reserved for an adult only store · You go to a salon instead of a barber, because barbers don’t do highlights or lowlights · You don’t carry a man-purse, you prefer to call it a ‘European Carryall’ Put the cuticle oil and waxing strips away boys. Forget manscaping and leave the fancy cocktails for the ladies. If the drink is garnished with anything but a wedge of lemon or lime—choose something else. The days of over-groomed emasculated men who depend on the latest label are quickly giving way to a new breed of man. A real man. The retrosexual. As a gender, we gave the whole metrosexual thing a shot, it was way too difficult, and there was really only one man able to pull it off: Justin Timberlake, and who can compete with that? Blame it on Justin Timberlake Once, men were simply men. We were allowed to be ourselves without falling into the trap of vanity. Then, somebody threw a stink bomb into our midst. It was the year 1996 and ‘N Sync just released their first number one hit ‘I Want You Back’. Almost instantaneously, Justin Timberlake’s hoards of adoring fans made him an international star, and he became one of the first prototypes of the modern metrosexual. For years, women considered him he sum of all things good in life. But no man can be that good looking, or charming, or dress that fashionably, or sing that good. Can he? Some of the country’s top research scientists have analyzed Mr. Timberlake and come to a surprising conclusion: The man is not human. Turns out all the money we spend on overpriced hygiene and grooming products in dire hopes of replicating his perfection is a waste. It’s impossible boys, so don’t even bother. But fear not— there’s hope yet. These days, you don’t need to obsess over your image to be successful with the ladies. In fact, riding too close to Brokeback Mountain can do more harm than good. Tamara Wyton, a recent Fanshawe graduate from London, Ontario insists “I don’t want a guy who spends more time in front of a mirror than I do”. Lucky for us, this is a view which is becoming increasingly popular among the single women out there today. Resurrection of the REAL man The group of men at the forefront of the campaign against metrosexuality are called retrosexuals, a noble breed of man who have abandoned the impossible pursuit of physical and stylistic perfection and embraced their beer drinking and TV watching ways. The retros are winning the battle, and it’s no secret that metros are a dying breed. But don’t mistake a retro for a misogynist pig, Uncouth without manners. The modern retro is somewhere between Lloyd from Entourage and a marauding brute. Think Indiana Jones, Marlon Brando or George Clooney. You can still have style and taste; just make sure your priorities aren’t aligned with Carrie Bradshaw. Mirror Mirror on the Wall… Ever look into the mirror and get the sudden itch to pluck your eyebrows? Of course you don’t. Yet every day men across the country put themselves through agonizing pain at the helm of stainless steel tweezers. And for what? A tiny edge over a guy who doesn’t have an hour-long morning manscaping regiment? Guys, it’s okay to be a little rough around the edges. If you embrace your imperfections, women will feel better about themselves and less self-conscious about the faults they hope you don’t notice. Recently, a poll showed that 43% of men said they were dissatisfied with their overall appearance. That’s almost half of all Canadian men. What’s the cause of such dissatisfaction? Easy: We’re asking too much of ourselves. Shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy perpetuate the emasculation of men and set unobtainable standards to which no man can reach. Simply put, our standards are too high. A wise man once said, “Set low expectations, and be surprised by the outcome.” We as a gender must unite and seek lower expectations! Step 1: Put away the tweezers. Speedo? Speedon’t! Drawing from the widespread belief that all men are simple creatures, women have taken over certain responsibilities. The whole clothing department for one. If we’re not dressed by a woman, we’re dressing for a woman. Point in case: Speedo’s (the modern loin cloth), capes, tights and anything from the Shakespearean era. Have you ever seen a young girl playing with a Ken Doll? Sweet and innocent, right? Think again. It’s called practice, gentlemen. They’re honing their skills for the day they can shape and dictate what you wear. It’s all part of their master plan. Jerry Seinfeld puts it best, “The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. “some guy.” You see, the habits young girls form while dressing their Ken Dolls transcends all the way to dressing their groom. How should we respond? Not a full-out revolt, start with minor defiance: Sneakers with your Sunday best, that ratty t-shirt you’ve had since high school, or perhaps that old ball cap she’s hidden in the garage for the past month. They’re baby steps, but if we’re all in this together, we can one day regain control! 
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